16. Marriages Are For Growth Not For Happiness

Relationships based on friendship are voluntary associations. Both friends in the relationship expect the other to act in the best interests of the friendship. Trust, respect, confidentiality and love are taken for granted as true friendships develop. There are no contracts, no formal commitment in a true friendship. Expectation levels are always met as they are set at realistic levels. Both friends treasure the true friendship and would not want to damage it at any cost.

True friendships last 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 or even more years. True friendships can endure friends living apart at opposite ends of the world, if circumstances so prevail.

True friendship is seen through the heart of Soul – not through the eyes of Ego.

True friendships come from Soul, from Love. There is no room for Ego in true friendships. The majority of true friendships occur with people of the same gender.

Marriages, which are contractual commitments, should also be the essence of true friendships. The physical intimacy of marriage should make it even more sacred than true friendships. The creation of children in the marriage, should develop a physical common bond stronger than true friendships can. In theory, marriage should be the ultimate true friendship.

So why do 33% – 50% of marriages end in divorce? Why do the majority of marriages reach a level of only contentment, devoid of happiness to see each other, as occurs in true friendship?

If, say 40% of marriages end in divorce, and of the remaining 60% of marriages that stay in existence, let’s say 5% (1 out of 20) have a marriage where both parties can’t wait to share time together, then only 3% of marriages can be considered happy marriages.

This means 97% of marriages either end in divorce or the couples are not always happy to be together, as a true friendship would be.

Well, if marriages can be seen not to be a reflection of true friendship, why do millions of people get married every year?

Hope, sex, procreation, children, home, companionship, fear, dependency, financial security, conventional societal norms, are some of the reasons.

However, with Ego playing such a strong role in marriage, with Ego’s wants and aspirations not being met by the other person, coming from Love, coming from Soul generally gets pushed way into the background.

Money, sex, children, fear, power, violence, abuse, disrespect, disloyalty, betrayal and loss take center stage, run and controlled by Ego.

Understanding, compassion, empathy, forgiveness, giving without wanting to receive, respect, loyalty, confidentiality, trust, true friendship, laughter, happiness, love, – coming from Soul, coming from Love are soon forgotten when the daily routine of surviving, and hopefully, thriving occurs.

Having amnesia, or a very short memory, should be a vital requisite for marriage!

So, if marriage is now proved statistically, and visually, to be not for continual happiness between husband and wife and cannot be accepted as a true friendship in 97% of the instances then what is this contractual commitment for?

It’s for growth and for healing!

What! I am offended by that. I got married for love, for happiness not for growth and healing! I can go to courses to learn about growth and healing.

Let Us explain.

In a marriage you generally attract someone who you feel will complement you and they will make you feel whole. You feel you need and want what they can offer you and this feeling whole makes you feel happy. Now you really feel complete.

For example, you feel whole: if you are shy and retiring you may be attracted to someone outgoing and the life and soul of the party! If you are neat and tidy, you may be attracted to someone roguish, carefree, full of impulsive behavior, and, oh yes, they may not clean up behind themselves. If you “shoot from the hip”, take big chances, you may be attracted to someone more risk averse, more careful, more calculating. If you are dark haired you may prefer blond hair. If you have straight hair, you may prefer curly hair. If you are not so good looking, you may need someone “drop dead gorgeous” on your arm.

Well, the magnetism of opposites attracting works for a while. However, after a time the very thing that was so attractive becomes irritating. For example, your neatness is being compromised by their untidiness. Your carefully built up bank balance may be squandered in a gambling debt. Your choice of a good looking spouse may soon turn to envy and jealousy as their favors are sought from others.

At some stage this inconvenience, this irritability becomes more and more commonplace. Soon it really bugs you and eventually arguments erupt. Ego dominated arguments become the norm, disrespect flows and then the floodgates open: withdrawal of sex, money issues, fear, children reacting to the disharmony, power plays, possible violence, and abuse in its various forms, disloyalty, betrayal and loss could result.

No doubt this is all too familiar. Why did it happen?

Well, it started from your fears, your insecurities about yourself and your feelings of lack of self-esteem. (Please refer to Betrayal of Trust – You are not a Victim). You were lacking worthiness in certain areas and so your character developed to represent the Ego image, the illusion of who you were or wanted to be portrayed as, rather than who You really are – at Soul level.

The Ego parts of you which were lacking were sought in others (please refer to You are Worthy).

The fear based issues that this marriage has brought to you for your growth and healing is for you to recognize that you cannot change anyone else. You cannot even change yourself – at Ego level. What you can do is to replace your Ego self, by learning to come from Soul.

What you can do now is to accept that only by learning to come from Soul, from Love, can you become the real You, that part of You, your Soul, which is part of God. Then you can become whole.

This you can do by learning and applying daily the lesson We gave you in Everything You Need is Inside of You.

When you have learnt and applied this change in you – to find and treasure the unconditional love inside of you – then you shine your own inner light out from inside of you.

This light, coming from you, can be recognized by other worthy people who also have their inner light of unconditional love of themselves shining through them.

When your inner light and their inner light connect a bridge of light is formed between your two inner lights.

This bridge of light is the synergy where your mutual love can grow and develop.

Upon this bridge of light, and now love, true friendship can grow and develop.

Inevitably, one of the two of you will leave this wonderful love relationship first, either through passing on or for some other reason. When that “tragedy” occurs the bridge will no longer be there, only in memories, however the remaining person still has their own unconditional self-love intact and their inner light of self-love carries on shining through them.

If your current marriage cannot survive the light now coming through you from your unconditional self-love because your partner cannot grow as you have through your unconditional self-love, then so be it. Give them sufficient time to try and find unconditional self-love and so join you in the light. If there is no willingness from them then accept what is now and move on.

You have now come to acknowledge that the growth and healing you have found through the unconditional love inside of you will lead you to a new sacred space where someone worthy of your light may be found.

You should now be more than sufficient for you – in your unconditional self-love. If a new partner, worthy of your light emerges, what a bonus!

Marriages are for growth and healing. Marriages can only be for happiness when you are whole. You can only be whole when you give yourself unconditional self-love and you become light. The light of unconditional self-love.

If in a marriage these fear based issues, offering you growth and healing, remain unresolved and a divorce occurs then invariably similar occurrences will reappear in different guises again and again in other relationships, including successive marriages. These fear based issues that remain unresolved can only be resolved through healing and growth when you become whole through finding the unconditional love inside of you.

When you have achieved becoming the light of unconditional self-love, you have healed a cycle of your growth and brought the cycle to closure.

This cycle could have been carried as part of your Soul’s journey from more than one lifetime, sometimes many lifetimes. By bringing healing and growth to close this cycle you release yourself, many people from your soul group in the physical and in the spiritual realm, to be free of repeating this lesson again and again in various forms.

By developing and maintaining unconditional self-love you become whole not needing anyone else to complete you. In your wholeness, you can recognize someone else in their wholeness and together you can build a bridge of light and love – if you so desire.

Whatever your choice you remain whole in your unconditional self-love and light.

After your healing and growth, in your wholeness, you can now discover that marriage can, at long last, be for happiness if you so choose. This choice can now only come from your soul level. This choice is made when you think and act on the basis of “What would Love do now?”

When making that choice for marital happiness you will now be standing in your new-found integrity of unconditional self- love, feeling whole at soul level and not requiring a marriage partner to complete you at ego level.

After your healing and growth, through unconditional self- love and thinking and acting “What would Love do now?” marital happiness is now within your grasp.

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